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I need this sooo much. Last night was so mentally, physically, spiritually challenging for me, I honestly felt like I was losing my mind. I don't know what's going on (yes, I do...I'm not being true to my spirit, I'm holding back, I'm jealous of everyone I know that see on social media who are living their best lives, I'm making up narratives and believing every last word), but the worst part is, I take it out on the dogs. They're feeling my envy and anger, and reacting to it, then I react to them, and everything gets chaotic in here. I don't want to do that to them, I don't want to do that to me. I desperately want peace of mind. I'm so very tired of allowing my thoughts and thinking to run my life. I want peace. I crave peace. I'm starved for peace. I am peace. My dogs deserve better, they deserve the authentic me, not the frazzled, envy-besotted, angry me. I deserve better.
Currently, I'm struggling with both Lucy and Daisy. Daisy comes from a very difficult background; we don't know much about her except that she's 6 years old, was an outdoor dog, and has to start from the very beginning with every single thing, if we expect her to be adopted. long story short, last night was scary for me. I lost control, I allowed my thought and thinking to billow out of control, and run ragged, and the dogs completely reacted to that. Both dogs were so affected by my outburst, both were so distressed and frenetic. I get frustrated because Lucy won't leave Daisy alone, she's relentless in her attempts to play. Daisy seems like she's torn between mostly wanting to chill and sometimes wanting to play.
They start wrestling, play fighting and tumbling through the house, and my place simply is not big enough to contain that. I'm afraid they'l. tumble into the china cabinet.
I have to take each one for a walk separately because I don't have a fenced in yard, and it takes so much time. Daisy has a huge prey drive, so walking her is stressful; we're both on high-alert the whole time. Lucy pulls like crazy too, in spite of our training that we just completed. My favorite times w/ them are like now, when we're all calm, peaceful, resting. I love their presence in the house when things are sweet and tender, peaceful and calm. I feel my anxiety shoot through the roof when they start acting up, and I immediately react, w/ yelling, yanking collars, pushing, pulling, shoving, kneeing dogs out of my way. Utter chaos that borders on, if not outright, abuse. I am so ashamed at my reaction and want desperately to change this, so I don't permanently damage the dogs or continue to traumatize myself, either.
What am I Unpeaceful About?
My own circumstances--not pushing myself to do what I really, really want to do—10
Relationships. I miss Joe. I feel bad that I'm not in love with Patrick. I love him but am often bored to tears. I miss creative living and hanging with creative people. 10
I miss the cities. 10
I don't like being in Mankato. 10
I miss my friends. 10 I worry about finances. 10 I stress about having these two uncontrollable beasts in my house8 I feel like a failure in the worst way with Lucy and Daisy 8. I'm angry at Gretchen for excluding me in her birthday plans 6. I bored shitless down here. 6. I'm angry at myself for staying small and pathetic 10. I miss Mom 6. I get so fucking annoyed that all I think about is Bob 6. My physical appearance/fitness/body image 6. Get out of my head already. 10
I feel all of this, all over, like every single cell of me ignites and burns in a rage. My brain frazzles. My body tenses all over, my breath goes shallow, I get headaches. I can't separate any one of these to a specific body part, I feel each of them, all over my body. Like it's electrified, on fire, chaos shooting out everywhere. My heart tightens, my throat tightens, my face gets hot, my voice strains. No wonder I liked drinking so much--it put the fires out. numbed the intensity, calmed my brain.
I am grateful for starting this program; it's bringing to light how my unacknowledged anger and frustrations with myself are being projected on my dogs, and how they are responding in kind. It's powerfully profound, to know how deeply connected we are, for better and for worse. I'm grateful that I'm listening to this unsettled part of me, and finally giving it the time, attention and tending to, that it's so desperately calling for.
it's astonishing, how much I live in my mind, how much thinking, thinking, overthinking I engage in, to the point of paralysis. It brings me hope, to know that I can start to address these undernourished parts of me, like a plant, and bring them back to a rich, lush, flourishing life.